Fear of Failure

I've realized over the past few years how much my fear of failure influences my thought patterns. God has been working in me recently, to try to get rid of those lies and fears, and live a life that is embedded in Truth instead. I came across a quote yesterday that really hit a bulls eye for me:

"We cannot let the enemy constantly remind us of our failures and convince us that our shortcomings define who we are. Instead, we have to meditate on God's Word, allowing Him to renew our hope that one day we will be like Him." - David Jeremiah

That reminded me that I need to "take every thought captive to obey Christ"...this might not be exactly what Paul meant when he wrote that verse, but it reminds me that I need to evaluate my thoughts - to compare them to God's truth - to be able to discern whether they are thoughts of truth, or thoughts that contain lies from the enemy.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."

2 Corinthians 2: 4-5

A Tale of Extremes

I started the school year with a list of seven student's names; students who needed extra help with their English language skills. I LOVE that at this point in the year, they are seven distinct individuals to me. They each have their own unique personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. I love working with and loving each of them. Loving them includes talking to them, praying for or with them (as just happened this afternoon), and giving them food. :) (I've always been one to keep snacks on hand for myself, but these days the fruit and granola bars are often consumed by students who either forgot their lunch or are just plain hungry. Six of my seven students are teenage boys. Need I say anymore?! :)

Now, back to those unique personalities. The end of the quarter is drawing near, so I have been doing end-of-the-quarter self-evaluations and goal-setting with my students. Here's how three of those sessions went:
J: A very self-confident student who sees only his strengths, and not his weaknesses.
S: A student who puts a lot of pressure on himself, and sees only his weaknesses and not his strengths. (Hmmm...reminds me a bit of myself.:)
H: A very quiet and reserved, but yet a very intelligent student. But he doesn't like to write. So what is he good at? "nothing" What has he improved in this quarter? "nothing" What does he still need to improve in? "nothing" What are his goals for next quarter? "nothing" After much figurative teeth-pulling, poking, and prodding, we eventually managed to get a self-evaluation and goals down on paper.

I know that teaching anything is intense, but I think that sometimes one-on-one ESL instruction is intense. One of my students asked me today if teaching ESL requires a lot of patience. I said, "Yes, sometimes. But I love working with my students. I think that more so, it takes a lot of quick thinking to rephrase or simplify things on the spot when students don't understand." I find that I have to work with each student differently. Not only because of their varied language needs, but also because of their various personalities and temperments.

But you know what? I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Sure, sometimes it is challenging (and a bit frustrating) to figure out what to focus on when a student has so many needs, or how to help them strengthen a certain skill, or how to plan something that will engage that reserved or resistant student.

I think that at this point (almost to the end of the semester), we all - staff and students alike - are tired and in need of a break. Please pray for us. For perserverance, for grace & patience (with ourselves and others), for health, for a good end to the semester, and for safe travel as we all disperse around the globe at the end of next week.

As for my plans, I fly to the US next Friday - the 18th - to spend Christmas with my family and then get married on Jan. 2nd and then flying back to Germany on Jan. 8th and starting the new semester Jan. 12th. Yes - it will be a FULL but JOYOUS break. Please pray for Mike and I during this time.

Grace...because He's not finished with me yet

God has been teaching me a lot about His grace recently. Yes, I've heard about the cross and grace all of my life. The knowledge of grace is in my head, but lies about perfection and expectations keep it fromy truly reaching my heart. I want to learn how to live a life of someone who truly understands God's grace and love, and the freedom that comes with this.

Our pastor is preaching on Philippians during this season of Advent. Yesterday, the first Sunday of Advent, he spoke on Philippians 1:6 - "...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." The Truth that resounded in my heart was the Lord saying to me, "See Kari? I'm not finished with you yet. I don't expect you to be perfect now. But I am at work in you, and someday, when you are with Me, you will be perfect. Because I am faithful."

Thank You, Lord, for your goodness to me! His goodness and encouragement to me especially hit me yesterday because I knew I was supposed to be in that church service. I had woken up feeling exhausted, completely lacking energy, and not feeling well at all. I considered staying home, but something inside of me told me I needed to be at church. So I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for church. Mike's house is on my way to church, so on Sundays, I walk to his house and then we walk to church together. Yesterday morning, when I rang his doorbell, he looked at me (I obviously wasn't looking my best - he could tell I didn't feel well) and said, "Why didn't you stay home?" I replied, "Because I need to go to church and get some God and grace." And then, at the end of the service, I turned to him and said, "See? I told you I needed to be here today." :)

Along these same lines of the Truth of God's grace and love, there have been two YouTube videos in recent months that have hit the target of the deep places of my heart. I hope that they encourage you as they did me. Here they are: God chiseling and Lifehouse's "Storm" .

Loved and Loving

Loved - Last Thursday was my birthday, and then Sunday some of the ladies here had a bridal shower for me. So for the past several days, I have felt so loved on and blessed. So reaffirmed in who God has made me to be. So thankful for this community God has placed me (us) in. I am blessed.

Loving - I love my students! It is a privilege to be here, loving them and teaching them. H. is a freshman girl with such a cheerful student. She brings a smile to my face, even when I am having a bad day. We work on her English, but we also have good conversations. So I am not just her teacher, but I also feel like a bit of an informal mentor/big sister as well. S. is a 7th grade boy that I want to adopt and let live at my house. No, this is not realistic. It is just that my heart is heavy for him. He is facing some difficult things right now, and the dorm structure, while good, is not the best for a 7th grader (he and his 8th grade roommate are the only two middle school boys in the dorms this year). So please pray for S. (and H. and all of my other students) as he (they) continues to transition into life here at BFA.

Thank you for your prayers. This is a busy time of year here - please pray for energy, strength, and health. (BFA was closed last Monday and Tuesday due to a significant number of people being ill, including some with H1N1. Thankfully, the time off restored us all, and helped people either recover or stay healthy!)

Stand

"...So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost will be found
Stand in the rain..."

from Superchick's "Stand in the Rain"

My Brother's Wedding

This season of my life is full, as evidenced by the fact that it has been over a month since I have posted. Eeks! There are a couple of incomplete posts in my drafts folder - things on my heart that I wanted to share with you, but didn't have the words to finish. I hope to eventually share them with you, since that is the purpose of this blog - to share with you what God is doing in and through me.

The latest busyness was that I made an eight-day trip to the US for my brother Greg's wedding. The first quarter of school ended right before I left so I had sub plans AND progress reports to complete before getting on a plane. My travel day home was a bit hairy, but ended well, and I am SO THANKFUL that I was able to be there to witness and celebrate Greg and Stephanie's wedding, and also to spend precious time with my family!

My Crazy Mixed-Up Life

More and more I realize how "crazy" my life really is. How I live a life that overlaps two cultures, two languages, two continents. And in this current season, how full life is with changing jobs and preparing for a wedding and marriage.

I've always been someone who has mixed-up dreams. But more and more, it seems like the realities of things I'm dealing with in real-life show up in those mixed-up dreams. Last night's dream was a perfect example of this....In my dream, I walk into a David's Bridal store in America (this all sounds reasonable so far, right?), but right away the lady who works there starts talking to me in German. (because I look so German?!?!?) After some hesitation, I answer her in English, and a mixed up German and English conversation ensues. And then I walk out of the store, where there are more people outside speaking German. And then my dream ends.

Yes, I realize that there are people in America who speak German. But not in a store before you've said anything to them, folks. :) I woke up kind of shaking my head at this convoluted dream. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this dream says a lot about my current life. About how the things on my plate don't necessarily naturally fit together, but they are all there, nonetheless. And with God's grace and help, I'm balancing them.

I know that in this season, I am also not doing the best with communication. Thank you for standing with me in prayer, even when you don't know a lot of specifics to pray for.