Gratitude Journal #11

Our English Camp tshirts for this summer were delivered yesterday and my reaction was one of excitement!!

What I am thankful for:
*our 2009 English Camp tshirts have been delivered and we are super excited about them! (See pic above) Yes this is a "little thing," but it is a part of camp, and it is tangible proof than in the midst of all of the details that we are swimming in, God is causing things to fall into place for this summer
*a warm sunny day
*a new friend
*Oreos! (part of a lovely care package I received yesterday!!:)
*a good conversation this morning (and yummy coffee & treats) that helped me to refocus
*God's peace in the midst of the storms of life
*That even though things in life are unexpected to us, nothing - NOTHING - takes God by surprise
*The ability to feel and care deeply about things (even though this sometimes results in emotional roller coasters)

What I want:
*For tomorrow to be a productive Saturday
*To get the people time that I need, balanced with rest and down time
*To get things accomplished at a quicker rate than I have been recently
*God's comfort for the people I know who are hurting

It's a battle

Steve unloading groceries - Summer 2008

Steve, the newest member of our English Camp Coordination Team, arrived Thursday. PTL! Steve was a member of my 2005 and 2006 CU English Camp teams, and then was our Program Coordinator during summer 2008. He is here now for all of 2009 - to fill that Program Coordinator role as well as help with follow-up and other areas of camp. We are thankful and excited to have him here! It is amazing - and a testament to who God is - that as He grows our team, each member brings different strengths and abilities. We complement each other well. It's exciting to be a part of God's ministry in this way!

As we talked with Steve yesterday about past camp experiences and ideas for the future, I was reminded just how much of a battle this is. During camp there is an intense spiritual battle that is happening. God is at work, and Satan wants to stop it. I have experienced this battle. I have lost sleep because of this battle. I have fought this battle with prayer.

However, I have been reminded recently that this is not just a four week battle that happens in the summer. I need to be constantly bathing this ministry in prayer. I covet your prayers as well. Please be praying for this summer's staff and campers. For God's protection.

My heart has also felt heavy recently when I think of the battles that our campers are constantly fighting. Some of these battles we are aware of. Others we don't know about, but they are still happening. I think of the pressures of the German educational system. I think of the peer pressure. I think of one who battles suicidal thoughts. I think of another's youth group, who lost three girls in a car accident in January (and a fourth girl was seriously injured and faces a long road of recovery).

I know that it is not just my campers who face battles. I face battles. You face battles. We all do. I think of the economic problems. I think of those facing cancer and other illnesses. I think of those facing major decisions.

Yes, these things are heavy. It is the reality of life. But I am thankful that my God is bigger than these things. And He promises that we don't have to fight these battles alone. I have been reflecting on Exodus 18:17-18 this week:

"Moses’ father-in-law said to him, "What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone."

God does not expect us to fight our battles alone. Praise Him for this!

Gratitude Journal #10

The past few days, spring has been in the air. I have commented about this to some people, who then proceeded to warn me that winter probably wasn't completely gone yet.

The pace of life is beginning to increase (which is expected in my current life in spring and summer). So while this week has been good, it has been busy and felt a bit long. A few changes in schedule leaves me having to consistently remind myself what day it is.

Last night I slept very soundly, so when the alarm went off this morning it took me a minute to pull myself from slumber and remind myself what day it was. Then I looked out the window and saw SNOW! (As if I needed to be further disoriented.:)

As I walked to work this morning through the gray, wet, cold morning, my mind was feeling slightly unsure as to what day or month it is, but my heart was at peace. Because I have so much to be thankful for!!

What I am thankful for:
*My family
*Good sleep
*Time with friends (I spent the day with my dear friends Mike and Anna yesterday - it was a delight to catch up with them and spend time with them, especially since they "connect two of my worlds")
*"Dschungelfeuer" (Jungle fire) Rooibus tea - I think I would have to say that this is my favorite tea. I discovered this delicious sweet blend of orange, cinnamon, and rooibus this past summer, and I was able to buy some more of it yesterday. (And am currently sipping it....mmmm....)
*Steve (our EC intern) arrives today. PTL!!!

What I want:
*To make the most of every moment of every day
*To have more discipline in my life
*To be an encouragement to the people in my life
*To read more

Anna & I made a new friend in Freiburg

His Fingerprints On My Journey

I sit here resting in peace and gratefulness for who God is. For who He has made me to be. For the lessons He is teaching me. For every step of journey He is allowing me to live.

He is good.

He loves me.

He holds me in His hand.

Picturing myself curled up in the palm of God's hand engulfs my heart with peace. Sweet peace. I don't know how to fit everything that is on my heart into one post, but I am at a point of being acutely aware of (and grateful for!) God's working in my life, and I had to share.

There's the old analogy of our lives being a tapestry - we see the messy underside and God sees the beautiful piece of art He is creating on top. Normally, I am all too aware of just how messy that underside is. But recently, God has allowed me a glimpse of how He is working. How the pieces of the puzzle of my life fit together. How He is using it for His glory. And He thinks it is beautiful. I cannot accurately put into words the joy and peace it brings to my heart to see His fingerprints all over me, my life, and this journey He is leading me on.

The last several months have been intense for me. I've been asking lots of questions. Making decisions. Processing. Reflecting. Working through some things. Allowing God to bring healing. Learning many lessons that God has to teach me. It hasn't been easy. No, not at all easy. The waters have been rough at times. But it is for my good. I have rested in the fact that my Heavenly Father wants what is best for me. He loves me and cares for me. He will carry me through the rough spots in life.

I am thankful - oh so thankful! - for the answers He has given and the resolution He has brought to some of these situations. I think recently, though, I have become antsy and impatient for complete healing and complete resolution. Well, I hate to break it to you folks, but I am not going to be perfect this side of heaven. This healing, this growth, and this journey is a process that will last as long as I am on this earth.

I know, I know, you all knew I am not perfect. And that perfection is not a realistic expectation. You don't expect me to be perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect. But yet I expect myself to be perfect. The grace and forgiveness I easily extend to others, I don't extend to myself. I think I am finally understanding - it is FINALLY getting through my thick skull - that I expect more of myself than I think even God expects of me. His grace is freely given. His love is unconditional. He wants me to live a life of freedom. Submerged in His grace, mercy, and love.

A lot of these lessons and truths that I am learning were cemented into my heart by a book I finished reading last night. I highly recommend Letters Never Sent by Ruth Van Reken to all of you, but especially to those of you who have lived overseas.

I want God's love to fill me up, so that it then can flow out of me and encourage the people in my life. I want to be one who God uses to speak His Truth, love, and grace into others' lives.

Words cannot express how thankful I am that God doesn't give up on me. How thankful I am for everything He has done and continues to do in and through me. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! (2 Cor. 9:15)

Gratitude Journal #9

What I am thankful for:
- kids accepted Christ at JT Kindertag (a children's outreach event) today!
- a child's laughter
- cake
- the English language
- people who encourage me to speak German
- good sleep
- conversations with friends
- a day full of interaction with people instead of sitting behind my computer all day

What I want:
- to do things that further God's kingdom. And to always keep this purpose in mind
- more people interaction in my life
- to encourage those I come into contact with
- to keep a good focus and balance this week

The Reality of Life Overseas

Living overseas requires humility.

I was reminded of this yesterday as I walked out of the bank. (After it took me ten minutes to fill out three slips of paper...two of which I had to rip up and start over again. And the bank lady immediately starting speaking to me in English. I'm learning to let those things roll off my back.)

In living overseas the highs are higher and the lows are lower.

I remember hearing a speaker say this during my college years. I think I would agree. The blessings are more intense, but so are the challenges.

I'm an expert on this because I have now lived overseas for 20 months. Ha ha - I am just kidding! I don't claim to be an expert. But I have been reflecting recently on some of the things I have learned during those 20 months, and I would like to share them.

*Being far from family and friends is not easy. The truth is that being far from loved ones might just be the most heart-wrenching part of living overseas.

*I'm a German kindergartener. While I often FEEL like this is true, because my knowledge - or lack thereof - of German language and culture is similar to that of a kindergartener, it is NOT really true. (Yeah - this is where the humility comes in. Making mistakes and making a fool of myself is just part of living overseas. Remember what I said above about letting things roll off my back?)

*It's all about the little things. Everything takes longer and more effort when it's done in a foreign culture and a foreign language. (Exhibit A: Those bank slips I mentioned above.) And it is the subtle differences in culture that take so long to notice and figure out.

*We still feel lonely. Even those of us in North American or ex-pat communities still feel lonely. Maybe it's that hole in our heart - that heaviness that is there - because we are missing friends and family back home? Maybe it is because we know that regardless of how long we stay overseas, we will never fully fit - never fully belong - in our "adopted" home? Granted, since we have left our home culture, we no longer truly "fit" there either. (This makes the reality that my citizenship - and therefore true "home" - is in heaven even more profound. But that in and of itself could be a complete blog post. I'll avoid heading down that tangent for now...)

*There is spiritual warfare. I firmly believe that Satan will do anything he can to defeat those who are excited about doing God's work. (Wherever that is - in the US, China, Europe, or Timbuktu.) The more excited someone is, the more "on the front lines" they are and the more God is using them, the more Satan works to defeat these people.

Side note: Fasching (Carnaval, Mardi Gras, etc.) is coming to an end. I have heard several people say recently that demonic activity and spiritual warfare is even stronger during this time. An interesting idea to consider.

*We need each other. I firmly believe that God created us to live in community. He does not mean for us to fight this battle alone. Not only is He there for us, but He has given us other people so that we can "bear one another's burdens."

*There is power in prayer. We all need God. We all need to depend on Him. Because the truth of the matter is that none of this is possible without Him. My life and my ministry are not mine - they are HIS. ("Pray without ceasing...")

*It is worth it. Despite the challenges, life overseas is worth it. The blessings and lessons learned - the personal growth - are worth it.

Disclaimer #1: While I jokingly claimed to be an expert above, I did not write this post to sound like a know it all. Because the truth of the matter is that I have a lot to learn. A LOT. (Referring to myself as an expert earlier was actually an instance of sarcasm.)

Disclaimer #2: And while I use the pronoun "we" in some places above (because some of my other overseas friends have confirmed these same sentiments in conversations I have had with them and to reflect that I am not alone in this), I do not want to be accused of putting words in someone else's mouth. In reality, I alone am responsible for the thoughts and ideas expressed in this post. They are not endorsed by my roommate, my mother, or my mission. They come from my mouth alone. So don't blame anyone but me for anything you might not agree with.

With that being said, I don't really think I wrote this post for any of you. I wrote it for me. To remind myself of these things. To pull myself out of the doldrums of wintry February and remind myself of the big picture of my life. And why I am here.

And that my life is not my own.

And how good God is. How truly good He is. And that He loves me.

Moses

I've been reading through Exodus recently. During the first few chapters, I was struck by how much Moses tells God that he (Moses) is inadequate. And how much Moses questions whether God really wants him to do those tasks. I could see myself in Moses. OH HOW MUCH I could see myself. How often I feel weak and inadequate and unusable. But in the end, Moses obeys and is used by God. I want to trust and obey Him also. Obey.

Then the next few chapters describe the plagues. I was struck by Moses' unwavering obedience to God. If Moses questions God here, we don't see it. Through the seesaw of Pharoah's heart alternately hardening and softening, Moses keeps trusting God. He perseveres. He doesn't give up. I want to have this same perseverance. As our pastor said in church on Sunday, I want to keep trusting God and know that He alone is God, even when things don't turn out the way I thought they would. Persevere.

As I read through the descriptions of the plagues, my stomach turned at how unpleasant they must have been. How much damage they did. No water - only blood. (yuck!) Dead frogs & livestock. (yuck!) Gnats & Flies. (yuck!) Boils. (yuck!) Hail. (yuck!) And then the locusts. I don't think I completely understood this plague until I experienced cicadas. Growing up in NYS, we didn't have cicadas (at least not as far as I know or remember). But then my first year teaching in Ohio, I got to experience the seventeen year wonder of cicadas. They were EVERYWHERE. They were LOUD. They were ANNOYING. I can only imagine how much more intense - how much worse - the plague of the locusts was. And yet Pharoah did not give in. What a stubborn, selfish man. He obviously did not love his people. Think of how much his people must have been suffering, but yet he didn't give in. All because he didn't want the Israelites to worship God. He didn't want to admit that God really was the Great I Am. That God was God and he was not. How thankful I am that God is God and that He loves me selflessly and unconditionally. Selfless love.