As I walked across town this afternoon, I was feeling physically drained and emotionally fragile. It was one of those times where if the right person asked "How are you?," torrents of uncontrolled emotions and tears may have come pouring out. However, as I passed a few people I know, I flashed them a smile and waved. The voice inside my head cried "Liar. Liar liar liar." I argued back, "I just need to get home. I just need to maintain my composure until I get home."
As I walked along, I pictured myself as a piece of pottery. A piece of pottery with cracks in it that water was starting to leak out of. The pottery threatened to shatter and gush water everywhere, just like my emotional composure was threatening to evaporate into thin air.
Somewhere along the way my internal turmoil settled a bit, and I managed to take care of the errands I needed to run and get myself home. And no, I did not break down once I arrived home.
Once seated at the comfort of my solitary dining room table, listening to Truth-speaking music, I was safe to explore my emotions. Why was I feeling so emotionally fragile? Why did this mixture of various emotions swirl inside my heart? To be honest, I don't know. I do know that I am feeling emotionally and physically drained today...I think because of all of the processing and thinking and question-asking I have been doing. God has been helping me to work through some old wounds. He is bringing healing, which is a good thing, but it is not an easy process to go through.
I have been reminded of some good Truths today. Good friends have reminded me that God uses us even when we feel unusable. And He carries or leads us...one or the other, depending on the circumstances. I have been reminded that God created me just as He intended me to be, with certain strengths.
As I sat and pondered, I was reminded of the image of the cracking pottery. The verse about "jars of clay" came to mind, but I couldn't remember what the rest of the passage said or where it was found. A search on www.biblegateway.com led me to 2 Corinthians 4. This chapter was exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of today. Here are the Truths that were especially poignant to me:
"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart...
...For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ...
...But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...
...so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God...
...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
God may be allowing my pottery to crack, but He, as the Potter, promises to make me into a stronger, more beautiful piece of pottery - all for His glory and to shine His light.
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